Purity. Chastity. Perseverance.

Purity. Chastity. Perseverance.

            I rode a bus on my way home. It was an ordinary Thursday morning where people could feel the December breeze. Then there I was, gazing upon the highway, still more than an hour away from home. The bus stopped at a place called Boni. “Hey Alex, kamusta na?” Oh my, was it an old friend who called me? It is just because I am called Xandra now. I turned to see who it is. It was the former Brother Thomas, or Andrew in the outside world. I stared at him for a few moments. It was nice to see him again, and everything came back to my memory, remembering my life four good years ago.

            It was four years ago, when I felt and experienced the peak of my Catholic faith. It was a different feeling that was hard to explain. That time I knew my vocation. I knew what I wanted. I wanted something to satisfy my thirst to reach something divine, to be enlightened by some divine light. I may not be that worthy, but those days I heard His voice, and I chose not to harden my heart. I was 3^rd year high school then, an active member of the Mary Help of Christians Crusade (MHCC).

            It was Brother Thomas and Sister Leah who handled us in our school. I was very much determined to be like them. I knew what I wanted that time, I wanted to enter convent. I wanted to be a nun. I did everything that a typical crusader would do. I prayed the rosary three times a day, I attended church every Sunday, I attended the prayer vigil every first Saturday of the month, I visited the adoration chapel, I visited the house of the sisters, and many more. I never watched movies, never entered bars or clubs, never drank liquor, and I didn’t even mind to have a love life. This was the path I was taking that time. Just like what they always say: Purity, chastity, perseverance.

            Then one day the truth came to me. I am not a baptized Catholic, my parents are not married, and many other family secrets that shattered my whole physical and emotional being. I felt emotional exhaustion, I became so depressed, and this made me a very sad person, until this very moment that I am typing this blog. I didn’t really know what to do that time. The world must not know my secrets. I told Sister Leah about it, but then, I can’t enter convent.

I never wanted anything else but to go to heaven. It was four years ago, I stood firm with my faith and the Catholic teaching, holding the assumption that the Catholic body is true, the smartest decision I was to make was to enter convent, be a nun, and there I could serve the Lord here on earth so that to be with Him in heaven. Many things have changed since then. Brother Thomas went out of seminary because of some reasons. I took some college entrance exams; UPCAT, USTET and PUPCET. I didn’t know if I was happy. This is not what I wanted.

Here I am now, a 3^rd year college student of the University of the Philippines – Diliman. I don’t know if I like, or didn’t like my course. Pero okay lang. Until know, I still ponder about the past, what my life would be if I entered convent. I never forgot all the Catholic teachings. I never forgot all the people who inspired me of my vocation that time.

I still go to church every Sunday. I rarely pray the rosary. I still meet with a few of my high school friends. But then, every time I see a nun, I feel a bit sad. I remember everything. What my life should be, when that nun should be me. It was my first time to watch a movie in big screen last year (August 2012). I was in a National Convention in Boracay when it was the first time I entered a club a few months ago (February 2013). I still haven’t gone to any bars. It was my first time to drink liquor and get drunk with my friends the other day (December 2013). Love life? I always get in love with people I must not be in love with.

This is my life now. I don’t know if it’s right or wrong. Pero okay lang. It is just now that I get a liberated about the so called “freedom” that ordinary people would ask for. I still aspire for something more. I still want to be baptized. I want to be a legit Catholic.

Am I weird? No, I am unique. 

Disclaimer: Not anymore =)

A Letter to a Forbidden Beloved

A Letter to a Forbidden Beloved

(An entry sa contest ng UP Writers Club)

Which I Never Did

            Silence ruled the night. Loneliness had engulfed my whole being as I gazed upon the windowpane. I tried not to think of you, I tried to forget you, but anywhere I look, anything I ponder about, I just see your majestic beauty; I see your face on which I long to touch for a few moments, I see your hands on which I long to hold for a few seconds, I see your lips on which I long to kiss even for a few minutes. It has been years since I last did this thing. I opened my bag, and grabbed some pen and paper.

I took a deep breath as all the memories rushed back; those memories that were the cause of what I am now, and those memories that once gave happiness to a hopeful heart. Do you remember those times when you told me that everything would be alright? Those times you told me that I was the most beautiful one upon your sight? I remember how you held my face, how you pressed my hands. I remember the night when time sang for us, when the breeze damped upon our innocent bodies. It was a cold night indeed as we traveled the uncharted seas of our own being, a night full of confusion, wonder and splendor. I cherished the night as we fixed our eyes to each other, not knowing how we were pulled back by our own fears.

The day has finally come. All the moments of happiness simply turned into a day of gloom. Why is there a need to hurt me so often? Oh love, how could you betray me with a kiss? You betrayed me with a kiss, when it should be mine. I cried crippled with the pain and confusion. A moment of low silent sobs dominated my room. Tears started to escape my eyes more as I continued to write these feelings I kept for so long, these feelings that I should have told you long before, these feelings that I wish I never felt for you. If only we could be together, if only I could be with you forever. If only we could build castles in the air again, I would not be like this. A thought of you speaks a hundred memories; the sight of you groans a thousand pains.

            Until this very moment, I can’t believe that I still think of you, not caring if you think the same way too. I’m tired of wearing a mask of disguise every time I release a faint smile. Since the day our world was broken apart, though hurt, I always pretended that everything was fine. Though it was love and society itself which tore us apart, it’s very hard for me to decipher on how our love has been so forbidden. Oh, how we felt it. The feeling only the two of us could understand. Can we feel it again?

I still long for the sight of you. I still hope for the day that our little conversations would revive and sprout again, just like as flowers bloom in summer. Emotionless I may be, expressionless I may seem; I am still waiting for the night that time again may sing for us, that the chill breeze would again touch us, and that the simple closeness of our bodies may bring heat to our hearts that has been long frozen by distance and time. I love you.

The wonder of dawn appeared before me as I gazed upon the windowpane. I never thought that I’ve been thinking of you the whole time. I put back my pen in place, crumpled the letter I just wrote. My fears are pulling me back again to leave my feelings unspoken. And hey, I remember the day you told me to sing you a song… on which I never did.