A Letter to a Forbidden Beloved

A Letter to a Forbidden Beloved

(An entry sa contest ng UP Writers Club)

Which I Never Did

            Silence ruled the night. Loneliness had engulfed my whole being as I gazed upon the windowpane. I tried not to think of you, I tried to forget you, but anywhere I look, anything I ponder about, I just see your majestic beauty; I see your face on which I long to touch for a few moments, I see your hands on which I long to hold for a few seconds, I see your lips on which I long to kiss even for a few minutes. It has been years since I last did this thing. I opened my bag, and grabbed some pen and paper.

I took a deep breath as all the memories rushed back; those memories that were the cause of what I am now, and those memories that once gave happiness to a hopeful heart. Do you remember those times when you told me that everything would be alright? Those times you told me that I was the most beautiful one upon your sight? I remember how you held my face, how you pressed my hands. I remember the night when time sang for us, when the breeze damped upon our innocent bodies. It was a cold night indeed as we traveled the uncharted seas of our own being, a night full of confusion, wonder and splendor. I cherished the night as we fixed our eyes to each other, not knowing how we were pulled back by our own fears.

The day has finally come. All the moments of happiness simply turned into a day of gloom. Why is there a need to hurt me so often? Oh love, how could you betray me with a kiss? You betrayed me with a kiss, when it should be mine. I cried crippled with the pain and confusion. A moment of low silent sobs dominated my room. Tears started to escape my eyes more as I continued to write these feelings I kept for so long, these feelings that I should have told you long before, these feelings that I wish I never felt for you. If only we could be together, if only I could be with you forever. If only we could build castles in the air again, I would not be like this. A thought of you speaks a hundred memories; the sight of you groans a thousand pains.

            Until this very moment, I can’t believe that I still think of you, not caring if you think the same way too. I’m tired of wearing a mask of disguise every time I release a faint smile. Since the day our world was broken apart, though hurt, I always pretended that everything was fine. Though it was love and society itself which tore us apart, it’s very hard for me to decipher on how our love has been so forbidden. Oh, how we felt it. The feeling only the two of us could understand. Can we feel it again?

I still long for the sight of you. I still hope for the day that our little conversations would revive and sprout again, just like as flowers bloom in summer. Emotionless I may be, expressionless I may seem; I am still waiting for the night that time again may sing for us, that the chill breeze would again touch us, and that the simple closeness of our bodies may bring heat to our hearts that has been long frozen by distance and time. I love you.

The wonder of dawn appeared before me as I gazed upon the windowpane. I never thought that I’ve been thinking of you the whole time. I put back my pen in place, crumpled the letter I just wrote. My fears are pulling me back again to leave my feelings unspoken. And hey, I remember the day you told me to sing you a song… on which I never did.