At The Feelings’ Summit

December 29, 2014
5:28 PM

Darkness slowly seals my four-cornered chamber as the sun sluggishly sets. Silence starts to scream as it dominates my half awakened spirit. It’s midway of our Christmas break and I am now in my normal state of mind. Last semester was the “hellest” six months I've ever experienced in every aspect of my life. I'm still pondering on where I went off beam, and on why I even merited all of these unjustified rejections. This agony marks me disoriented that until now I can taunt every person to hurt me until my heart shatters into fragmented bits.

I believed I was complete again. But I was mistaken. I feel so lost and I still can’t find myself.

Everything appears to be intentionally taken out of place. First, my academics. BA 116 (Cost Accounting, 6 units) ended me damn hell crazy. It was my first time to fail an accounting exam (2nd Exam, 55%), shadowed by another failed exam (3rd Exam, 47.5%). I guess I touched one of my nethermost points in college where I fucking don’t know what to do. Yeah I was fucking thinking of suicide. I express gratitude to my friends who showed me the fighting spirit. The shock of these 6 hours exams was just building me emotionlessly petrified. But thank God, I didn't take the removals and I passed (3.00).

Next, my second family in college on which I always look forward to be with, my dearest organization, UP JPIA. I am hopeful that EOs 56 don’t have the interest to read my blog. I gave my all to this org since the first day I was welcomed as member. Words can’t express how much I love this org. I guess everyone knows that I applied for the Membership Committee Chairperson of our org. To make things short, as I was reviewing for 116 at the UP Main Library, our President called that I was not accepted for the position. Damn. It was like a double whammy. Double kill. I sensed that I was dropping into the infinite chasm of excruciating emotional throbbing. I was left thunderstruck for almost 8 hours on discerning of how stupid and worthless I am.

Yes, I felt that the universe was against me. I really love this org to perpetuity. It may be in contradiction of what my intellect was uttering me, I swallowed my pride. I didn't want to be separated; I charted my heart and accepted the Accounting Boot Camp Chairperson position. I don’t know what I’m undertaking. All I know is that everything hurts right now.

Then, my most treasured college best friend (Peter Nelson Avila) is shifting out to BS Business Administration. Yes I think I am sorely losing everything that is dear to me. After the induction celebration of our org, we gulped along Music 21 and Underground Bar of Tomas Morato. We sipped and occupied ourselves with this vicious tide of alcohol (Tanduay Ice + Weng Weng) to temporarily slaughter and calm this agonizing ache inside. I don’t know what I was doing. I really don’t drink unless he conveys me to. It was my first time to get drunk, pass out and sleep. All I reminisce were ambiguous faces speaking to me. Those distorted images of people aiding me pace. Those blurred flashing illuminations. The fuzzy sensation of stuffs that seem to circumvent. The next thing I knew, I woke up in the boarding house of my friend (hello there Jollens and Nina).

Lastly, just like how I feel for you, everything looks dusky right now, and in muteness I plague myself to misery. Damn. The first day we met was magical. The later days were insufferably sad. Days passed rapidly as we erected memories on sticks. I guess we were too scared to construct it on bricks. I tried not to fall for you. I know you tried too. You looked happy the last time I saw you. You did it perfectly. Good job. Just what they say, the best way to hurt a person is to let them fall for you, and at the feelings’ summit, leave them hanging in the end. The day I met you, I know you’d hurt me. And I have never regretted anything.

This has been the highlight of my 2014.
2015 please help me complete myself again.
I am Alexandra Bonnevie, signing off.


December 29, 2014
7:18 PM