Cocooned Lady (Man)

This poem is dedicated to my late friend who passed away because of HIV. You the (wo) man!

Cocooned Lady (Man)

Her (his) gentle eyes pierced my wandering soul

Wretched anxiety rippled down my spine

Hidden crash of sadness I hardly control

Gazed in silence that you will never be mine

Lustrous sense of caress of her (his) celestial lips

Veiling my hurt with a stiff deceitful smile

Heart throbbing into fragmented strips

Courage trapped in my emotionless isle

Our vivid golden hair burning like forest fire

Your tangled strands I can never touch

Rip my chest bare to break this desire

Denying these feelings ache me too much

Like how soft fragile flowers can hardly bloom

Into the distance I accepted lucid defeat

Low breath of soreness crept in my room

Silent beats of sobbing was never this sweet

Written by a lady (man) from her (his) confined cocoon

To reveal the other side that no one can see

Fears pulled back by firm societal platoon

Shocked how I saw that this lady (man) is me

Like a True Plant

July 11, 2015

6:53 AM

It was a usual day as I paced around the academic oval. Classes have been suspended for three long days. Raindrops began to fall slowly as the icy wind made me shudder. I kept moving forward and decided to sit on one of the stony concreted benches. This is the same place we chattered about our life before; the same place I lost you. For the very first time in my life, here is the place where I felt so free; that I finally found myself. While I saved my feelings unexpressed, I continuously wrote about you. I was a helpless coward, afraid to come out of my cocoon. We were on the same page of two different books.

Why are we scared to say our true feelings?

I wanted to hug you, but I was afraid you won’t hug me back. I sought to stare at you, but I was fearful to see you go. I desired to show you my world, but I was troubled you’d refuse to see. I pursued to draw you close to me. Each instant with you is like paradise. You never fail to leave me astounded by your existence. My nerves were petrified. These moments, I saw myself dumbfounded to show you how I feel; anxious to lose you at the same time. All I wanted was to care for you, sorry if you felt bothered.

You whispered that you like me a hundred times. I didn’t pay attention. A thousand times you questioned me if I felt it. I just gazed at you and smiled a bit. You see, I am not good at this. Not that romantic kind of person. I never said that I like you, that I was falling for you. I never said that I was starting to love you. Pardon me for hiding my true feelings; but I swear, these were the days I felt so blissful that I can perish anytime. I was anxious to let you discern how I feel. I needed a little more time to prepare myself to burst my bubble. I believed you’d always be there, I was wrong. You got tired, and walked away from my life.

We are scared because we hate the agony of rejection.

I tried to look for you in the wind, but it passed me a cold shiver. I sought for you in the ocean, but I didn’t know how to swim. I attempted to follow your smell, but your scent got lost halfway. I strived to trail the echo of your voice, but I got deaf and lost your route. I searched for you in the place we first met, but they said you never came back. You vanished without saying goodbye; my feelings gone unspoken. I just lost you. I know you’ll never read this blog. Still, I wrote about us to immortalize our bitter sweet memories. I hope you are happy the same way that someone makes me happy again right now.

I don’t know if this is good. I am not scared anymore. You forgot to return all my feelings you took the day you left. I feel deficient, as a body without a soul.

We are not susceptible of emotions and feelings anymore. We forgot the feeling of being happy and getting hurt. The wind blows, we stay on the ground. Thrown on the sea, we can survive. They cut us deep, but we continue to grow. Rain pours on us, it makes us stronger. Scorched by the Sun’s heat, it makes us nobler. But we have limitations too. Uproot us, we wither. Refuse to give us oxygen, we die a silent death. We are dignified martyrs. Consume us and we won’t resist. Take us if this will make you happier; make us a part of you.

Like a true plant, we are beautifully broken.

July 11, 2015

7:39 PM

At The Feelings’ Summit

December 29, 2014
5:28 PM

Darkness slowly seals my four-cornered chamber as the sun sluggishly sets. Silence starts to scream as it dominates my half awakened spirit. It’s midway of our Christmas break and I am now in my normal state of mind. Last semester was the “hellest” six months I've ever experienced in every aspect of my life. I'm still pondering on where I went off beam, and on why I even merited all of these unjustified rejections. This agony marks me disoriented that until now I can taunt every person to hurt me until my heart shatters into fragmented bits.

I believed I was complete again. But I was mistaken. I feel so lost and I still can’t find myself.

Everything appears to be intentionally taken out of place. First, my academics. BA 116 (Cost Accounting, 6 units) ended me damn hell crazy. It was my first time to fail an accounting exam (2nd Exam, 55%), shadowed by another failed exam (3rd Exam, 47.5%). I guess I touched one of my nethermost points in college where I fucking don’t know what to do. Yeah I was fucking thinking of suicide. I express gratitude to my friends who showed me the fighting spirit. The shock of these 6 hours exams was just building me emotionlessly petrified. But thank God, I didn't take the removals and I passed (3.00).

Next, my second family in college on which I always look forward to be with, my dearest organization, UP JPIA. I am hopeful that EOs 56 don’t have the interest to read my blog. I gave my all to this org since the first day I was welcomed as member. Words can’t express how much I love this org. I guess everyone knows that I applied for the Membership Committee Chairperson of our org. To make things short, as I was reviewing for 116 at the UP Main Library, our President called that I was not accepted for the position. Damn. It was like a double whammy. Double kill. I sensed that I was dropping into the infinite chasm of excruciating emotional throbbing. I was left thunderstruck for almost 8 hours on discerning of how stupid and worthless I am.

Yes, I felt that the universe was against me. I really love this org to perpetuity. It may be in contradiction of what my intellect was uttering me, I swallowed my pride. I didn't want to be separated; I charted my heart and accepted the Accounting Boot Camp Chairperson position. I don’t know what I’m undertaking. All I know is that everything hurts right now.

Then, my most treasured college best friend (Peter Nelson Avila) is shifting out to BS Business Administration. Yes I think I am sorely losing everything that is dear to me. After the induction celebration of our org, we gulped along Music 21 and Underground Bar of Tomas Morato. We sipped and occupied ourselves with this vicious tide of alcohol (Tanduay Ice + Weng Weng) to temporarily slaughter and calm this agonizing ache inside. I don’t know what I was doing. I really don’t drink unless he conveys me to. It was my first time to get drunk, pass out and sleep. All I reminisce were ambiguous faces speaking to me. Those distorted images of people aiding me pace. Those blurred flashing illuminations. The fuzzy sensation of stuffs that seem to circumvent. The next thing I knew, I woke up in the boarding house of my friend (hello there Jollens and Nina).

Lastly, just like how I feel for you, everything looks dusky right now, and in muteness I plague myself to misery. Damn. The first day we met was magical. The later days were insufferably sad. Days passed rapidly as we erected memories on sticks. I guess we were too scared to construct it on bricks. I tried not to fall for you. I know you tried too. You looked happy the last time I saw you. You did it perfectly. Good job. Just what they say, the best way to hurt a person is to let them fall for you, and at the feelings’ summit, leave them hanging in the end. The day I met you, I know you’d hurt me. And I have never regretted anything.

This has been the highlight of my 2014.
2015 please help me complete myself again.
I am Alexandra Bonnevie, signing off.


December 29, 2014
7:18 PM

Purity. Chastity. Perseverance.

Purity. Chastity. Perseverance.

            I rode a bus on my way home. It was an ordinary Thursday morning where people could feel the December breeze. Then there I was, gazing upon the highway, still more than an hour away from home. The bus stopped at a place called Boni. “Hey Alex, kamusta na?” Oh my, was it an old friend who called me? It is just because I am called Xandra now. I turned to see who it is. It was the former Brother Thomas, or Andrew in the outside world. I stared at him for a few moments. It was nice to see him again, and everything came back to my memory, remembering my life four good years ago.

            It was four years ago, when I felt and experienced the peak of my Catholic faith. It was a different feeling that was hard to explain. That time I knew my vocation. I knew what I wanted. I wanted something to satisfy my thirst to reach something divine, to be enlightened by some divine light. I may not be that worthy, but those days I heard His voice, and I chose not to harden my heart. I was 3^rd year high school then, an active member of the Mary Help of Christians Crusade (MHCC).

            It was Brother Thomas and Sister Leah who handled us in our school. I was very much determined to be like them. I knew what I wanted that time, I wanted to enter convent. I wanted to be a nun. I did everything that a typical crusader would do. I prayed the rosary three times a day, I attended church every Sunday, I attended the prayer vigil every first Saturday of the month, I visited the adoration chapel, I visited the house of the sisters, and many more. I never watched movies, never entered bars or clubs, never drank liquor, and I didn’t even mind to have a love life. This was the path I was taking that time. Just like what they always say: Purity, chastity, perseverance.

            Then one day the truth came to me. I am not a baptized Catholic, my parents are not married, and many other family secrets that shattered my whole physical and emotional being. I felt emotional exhaustion, I became so depressed, and this made me a very sad person, until this very moment that I am typing this blog. I didn’t really know what to do that time. The world must not know my secrets. I told Sister Leah about it, but then, I can’t enter convent.

I never wanted anything else but to go to heaven. It was four years ago, I stood firm with my faith and the Catholic teaching, holding the assumption that the Catholic body is true, the smartest decision I was to make was to enter convent, be a nun, and there I could serve the Lord here on earth so that to be with Him in heaven. Many things have changed since then. Brother Thomas went out of seminary because of some reasons. I took some college entrance exams; UPCAT, USTET and PUPCET. I didn’t know if I was happy. This is not what I wanted.

Here I am now, a 3^rd year college student of the University of the Philippines – Diliman. I don’t know if I like, or didn’t like my course. Pero okay lang. Until know, I still ponder about the past, what my life would be if I entered convent. I never forgot all the Catholic teachings. I never forgot all the people who inspired me of my vocation that time.

I still go to church every Sunday. I rarely pray the rosary. I still meet with a few of my high school friends. But then, every time I see a nun, I feel a bit sad. I remember everything. What my life should be, when that nun should be me. It was my first time to watch a movie in big screen last year (August 2012). I was in a National Convention in Boracay when it was the first time I entered a club a few months ago (February 2013). I still haven’t gone to any bars. It was my first time to drink liquor and get drunk with my friends the other day (December 2013). Love life? I always get in love with people I must not be in love with.

This is my life now. I don’t know if it’s right or wrong. Pero okay lang. It is just now that I get a liberated about the so called “freedom” that ordinary people would ask for. I still aspire for something more. I still want to be baptized. I want to be a legit Catholic.

Am I weird? No, I am unique. 

Disclaimer: Not anymore =)

A Letter to a Forbidden Beloved

A Letter to a Forbidden Beloved

(An entry sa contest ng UP Writers Club)

Which I Never Did

            Silence ruled the night. Loneliness had engulfed my whole being as I gazed upon the windowpane. I tried not to think of you, I tried to forget you, but anywhere I look, anything I ponder about, I just see your majestic beauty; I see your face on which I long to touch for a few moments, I see your hands on which I long to hold for a few seconds, I see your lips on which I long to kiss even for a few minutes. It has been years since I last did this thing. I opened my bag, and grabbed some pen and paper.

I took a deep breath as all the memories rushed back; those memories that were the cause of what I am now, and those memories that once gave happiness to a hopeful heart. Do you remember those times when you told me that everything would be alright? Those times you told me that I was the most beautiful one upon your sight? I remember how you held my face, how you pressed my hands. I remember the night when time sang for us, when the breeze damped upon our innocent bodies. It was a cold night indeed as we traveled the uncharted seas of our own being, a night full of confusion, wonder and splendor. I cherished the night as we fixed our eyes to each other, not knowing how we were pulled back by our own fears.

The day has finally come. All the moments of happiness simply turned into a day of gloom. Why is there a need to hurt me so often? Oh love, how could you betray me with a kiss? You betrayed me with a kiss, when it should be mine. I cried crippled with the pain and confusion. A moment of low silent sobs dominated my room. Tears started to escape my eyes more as I continued to write these feelings I kept for so long, these feelings that I should have told you long before, these feelings that I wish I never felt for you. If only we could be together, if only I could be with you forever. If only we could build castles in the air again, I would not be like this. A thought of you speaks a hundred memories; the sight of you groans a thousand pains.

            Until this very moment, I can’t believe that I still think of you, not caring if you think the same way too. I’m tired of wearing a mask of disguise every time I release a faint smile. Since the day our world was broken apart, though hurt, I always pretended that everything was fine. Though it was love and society itself which tore us apart, it’s very hard for me to decipher on how our love has been so forbidden. Oh, how we felt it. The feeling only the two of us could understand. Can we feel it again?

I still long for the sight of you. I still hope for the day that our little conversations would revive and sprout again, just like as flowers bloom in summer. Emotionless I may be, expressionless I may seem; I am still waiting for the night that time again may sing for us, that the chill breeze would again touch us, and that the simple closeness of our bodies may bring heat to our hearts that has been long frozen by distance and time. I love you.

The wonder of dawn appeared before me as I gazed upon the windowpane. I never thought that I’ve been thinking of you the whole time. I put back my pen in place, crumpled the letter I just wrote. My fears are pulling me back again to leave my feelings unspoken. And hey, I remember the day you told me to sing you a song… on which I never did.